doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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