there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
