btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
