I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
