Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
