pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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