Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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