if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
