walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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