I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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