The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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