Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
