Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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