lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
