don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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