Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
