u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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