Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
