btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
