I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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