Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How does it feel to date your dad?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
