I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
