that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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