o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
