fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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