I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
love makes seman taste better
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
These tits shall not be calmed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
