I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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