Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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