his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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