I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
