yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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