Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
