Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
