i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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