i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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