Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
