I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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