I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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