I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
