a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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