I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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