Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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