I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
