there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
