maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
