last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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