why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
