Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
