..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize