I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
