idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
