peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
