so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize