Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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