Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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