I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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