Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
