Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
