The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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