So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
