Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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