I'm gonna have a badass scar
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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