last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
