Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize