I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
